Real estate humor (because buying a home should be fun)

Moving is stressful, so here's your official break. These are the jokes we tell around the office in Downtown Clearwater, when nobody's listening. Grab a coffee and enjoy, no showings required.

Jokes from the office

The big shot

A young broker opened his first office and furnished it with fancy antiques. When a man walked in, the broker grabbed the phone to look important, talking huge deals and giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I'm here to activate your phone lines."

The day off

An agent tells his manager, "Boss, tomorrow we're cleaning the whole house, and my wife needs me to haul stuff out of the attic and the garage." The boss says, "Sorry, we're shorthanded. I can't give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says the agent. "I knew I could count on you!"

Paint my house

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up and whispers, "I'll do anything you want for 50 bucks." He puts down his drink, digs through every pocket, and hands her a crumpled pile of tens, fives and ones. "Here," he says. "Paint my house."

The weekly paycheck

An agent walks into his manager's office holding his paycheck. "This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on!" "I know," says the manager. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained." "Well," says the agent, "I don't mind an occasional mistake, but when it becomes a habit, I have to say something."

The raise

"I need a raise," the agent tells his manager. "Three other companies are after me." "Really? Which ones?" "The electric company, the phone company and the gas company."

Read the billboard twice

A bank wanted more customers, so it put up a big billboard: "Loans make life easier, at FIRST."

Listing-speak, translated

  • "Cozy" – You can reach the fridge from the couch. Efficient!

  • "Lots of potential" – Bring your imagination. And a contractor.

  • "Charming" – It has stories. Some of them are in the plumbing.

  • "Steps from the beach" – Count them yourself. We'll wait.

  • "Motivated seller" – They've already bought the moving boxes.

Cartoons

A few of our favorite real estate cartoons, because sometimes a picture says it better than a listing description ever could.

Cartoon: a real estate agent at a desk tells a dog, 'Marking your territory is just the first step. If you want the property, you'll also need to put funds into escrow.' (Randy Glasbergen)
Cartoon: a man reading in bed says, 'The first little pig built his house from straw... just so he could have the last laugh when the bank foreclosed.' (Randy Glasbergen)
Cartoon: a realty agent tells a buyer in a loud shirt, 'I think the seller will accept your offer, but the Homeowners Association will never approve that shirt.' (Randy Glasbergen)
Cartoon: in front of a house for sale with a huge new driveway, a woman says, 'When I said it might sell faster if you put in a new driveway, I meant if you repaved the old one.'
Bizarro cartoon: two women outside a real estate office; one asks about last night's date, the other says, 'He's a charming fixer-upper. I may flip him.'
Cartoon: an agent by a For Sale sign tells a couple, 'The roof leaks, the furnace doesn't work, and the plumbing needs repair... but it's located on the greatest planet in the universe!' (Randy Glasbergen)
Cartoon: buyers tell an agent by a For Sale sign they're definitely interested if the seller replaces the roof, adds a deck, fireplace and indoor pool, extends the living room 15 feet and moves the house across town. (Randy Glasbergen)
Photo of a real estate sign with a rider that says 'Not Haunted', captioned 'Seems legit'.
Meme of a smiling young man in a tie: 'I can't wait to light up the property market with my dazzling smile and winning personality.'
Ed Stein cartoon: a Batman-like 'SEC' figure over a city of bank and company buildings thinks, 'Nothing much happening, might as well call it a night.'
Cartoon: a bear in a yellow blazer shows two bears a cave; one says, 'It's nice, but it just doesn't say cave to us, you know?' (Lonnie Easterling, Spud Comics)
Someecards card: 'I love working with and selling BofA short sales. No real estate agent said, ever.'
Cartoon: a couple tells an agent, 'We've decided to wait while the housing market returns to normal. Call us when the seller drops the price from $999,000 to $40,000.' (Randy Glasbergen)
Cartoon: two angels on a cloud; one says, 'I know I'm not a realtor anymore, but I can't stop thinking about how much city folks would pay for an acre of this!'
Cartoon: an agent tells a couple outside a house for sale, 'They're willing to throw in their kidneys.'
Newspaper classified ad headlined 'See Wal-Mart! From your private deck', titled 'One of the most compelling real estate ad boasts ever'.
Cartoon: an agent on the phone says that, for full disclosure, the property is on a planet besieged by war, poverty, disease, political unrest and rampant stupidity. (Randy Glasbergen)
Black T-shirt that reads 'You would drink too if you were a broker'.
Yard sign: 'Husband left us for a 22 year old... House for sale by owner. We loved this home. You will, too.'
'What people think I do' meme for real estate agents: what friends, Mom, Trulia and Zillow, HGTV and I think I do, versus what I really do (a cyclist hauling a huge load of boxes).

Need a laugh and a house?

We do both. Whether it's a condo on Clearwater Beach or a home in Dunedin, Largo or Safety Harbor, we'll make the serious parts easy and keep the fun parts fun. Text (727) 488-4825 or email info@clearwaterpostulate.com. Join the family!