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Best Real Estate Jokes!




 A young broker had just started his own real estate office. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the broker picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”  The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate your phone lines.”

I would like to buy a short sale (Hilarious)

An older gentleman is sitting in a bar when a beautiful young woman walks up to him and whispers in his ear, “I’ll do anything you want for 50 bucks.” He immediately puts his drink down and begins frantically going through his pockets. He pulls out a crumbled up ten, two five’s, a twenty and ten ones. He thrusts the wadded up money into the woman’s hand and says, “Here…paint my house.”


A crusty old man walks into a real estate office and says to an female agent, “I want to sell my god damn house.” To which the astonished female agent replies, “I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?” “Listen up, damn it. I said I want to sell my fucking house!” “I’m very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this office.” So saying, the agent goes over to the officer broker to tell him about her situation. They both return and the broker asks the old geezer, “What seems to be the problem here?” “There’s no damn problem,” the man says, “I want to sell my fucking million dollar home.” “I see,” says the manager, “and this bitch is giving you a hard time?”

Another hilarious one! “I would like you to sell my house”

An agent who was being paid by the week approached his office manager and held up his last paycheck. ‘This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on,’ he said. ‘I know,’ the manager said. ‘But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained.’ ‘Well, I don’t mind an occasional mistake,’ the agent answered, ‘but when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention.’


BANKS: FIRST National Bank ., tried to encourage business through billboard advertising, but conveyed quite a different message when the following ad was displayed: “Loans make life easier, at FIRST.”


BANKS: If you owe the bank $100, that’s your problem. If you owe the bank $100 million, that’s the bank’s problem.


Mr. Smith goes to see his manager in his real estate office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy housecleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re shorthanded, Smith,” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith. “I knew I could count on you!”


“I have to have a raise in my commission,” the agent said to his manager. “There are three other companies after me.” “Is that so?” asked the manager. “What other companies are after you?” “The electric company, the telephone company, and the gas company.”


PROTECTED CLASSES: Broker, to four of his agents: “I’m really sorry, but I’m going to have to let one of you go.” Black Agent: “I’m a protected minority.” Female Agent: “And I’m a woman.” Oldest Agent: “Fire me, buster, and I’ll hit you with an age discrimination suit so fast it’ll make your head spin.” …To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male Agent, who thinks a moment, then responds: “I think I might be gay…”


A frantic Real Estate agent calls a plumber on Thanksgiving morning, “Please you have to help, I have 20 people coming over in an hour and when I try to turn the faucet on, it makes this horrible noise and the water just dribbles out.” When the plumber arrives, he turns the faucet and it makes a horrible noise and the water just dribbles out. He turns the faucet off and bends down to look under the sink. He opens his tool box and grabs a large wrench. He hits the pipe really hard with the side of the wrench. He puts the wrench back in the tool box and tells the agent to turn the faucet on. It works perfectly. “Oh thank you! What do I owe you.” “That will be $600.” “What?! That’s highway robbery! I am a Real Estate agent, and I don’t make that much for five minutes! The plumber answered, “Neither did I when I was a Real Estate agent.”

 … more jokes coming soon …


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